God on the Line

It was 2:28 AM, when a petite human decided to call God.

Ring… ring…

 Me: Pick up the call. Goddammit. 

(Someone actually picked up.)

God: Watch your language, child.

Me: Oh… sorry. Was just hanging around on the internet. (You know the tone people use there… I mumbled.)

God: Anyway, who’s this?

Me: That’s me, God.

God: There are over eight billion “me”s on Earth. Which “me” are you?

Me: I thought God knew everything. Odd that you don’t even know my name. I’m Aoko, by the way.

God: Oh dear… there are millions of Aokos roaming the planet. Another one was just born thirty seconds ago. Who are you precisely? 

Me: (should I send him my geotag?) Leave it... in fact… which God are you?

God: The same one everyone claims to know, yet no one bothers to understand. Tell me the purpose of calling.

Me: Yeah, sure. I wanted to ask.... how many points have I collected so far in my account linked to your bank?

God: …What bank? What points?

Me: (Is God actually confused?) The points we earn from rituals, worships, offerings made in your name!

God: What are you talking about?

Me: You know… all the things we do during festivals and poojas to make you happy. I thought the better the performance, the higher the goodness points in our divine account.

God: Humans. Of course. The same species that thinks pouring milk on idols will impress me.

Me: Wait, you mean it doesn’t? I’ve seen people empty whole litres of milk at temples!

God: Yes, and then post about it online using hashtags like #FaithOverLogic.

Me: I thought you liked grand gestures. You know, fruits, flowers, sweets, gold crowns…

God: I made humans intelligent enough to feed the hungry. Instead, they feed idols while children outside the temple go to bed hungry.

Me: That’s… awkward.

God: Not awkward. Tragic. I never asked for offerings. You think I need milk when half the world doesn’t have drinking water?

Me: So, all those fruits and coconuts…

God: Should have been lunch for someone who hasn’t eaten in two days.

Me: Damn. We’ve really misunderstood you.

God: You humans love drama. You could’ve just practiced kindness .... but no, you wanted fireworks and flower garlands.

Me: So, God, what do you actually want from us?

God:  A little sense. Less noise, more harmony. Fewer requests, more smiles. And perhaps less plastic waste after every festival.

Me: And prayers?

God: Keep them if they make you gentle. Throw them away if they make you proud.

Me: That’s quite the update from heaven.

God: It’s not an update. You humans just never read the terms and conditions.

(The line went silent. For a moment, I thought He’d hung up.)

Then a mechanical voice crackled:

“For more talking, pay ₹199 to our new AI ~ G.O.D. (Giggles on Devotees).”

Made sense. I got the number from Twitter.